I have trouble anymore telling the difference between gossip and news. Stories on the news often have little to do with news, and more to do with people. Some shows bypass news altogether, just to talk about people, especially the things that no one should care about. (i.e. TMZ, where for 6 minutes they hemmed and hawed over a celebrity not wearing shoes in a public bathroom. Gross? Yes. Worthy of air time? Not at all. And they're all so arrogant about it. Rah.)
Last week I was surprised and made ill by ESPN. The sports "news" was about which athletes were dating who, and more about their personal lives than their game. (Well, I guess it was still about their game...) I figured if they keep that up, they should change their name to E!SPN.
Over the past week I've had a few conversations with Christian college students about drama between people, and it turns out the root of much of it is the gossip people share. The thing is, I don't think anyone thinks it's gossip. After these chats, I think it's important to lay out a few guidelines for consideration. This isn't a definitive list, but I think it's a good start. Feel free to argue, challenge, or add your own!
1. Is it about you or your conversation partner?
Some people love talking about themselves. The good thing about that is they're never gossiping. If you're talking about yourself, it's likely not gossip.
2. Is it about someone else?
If your conversation is centered around a person who is not in the conversation, that could be gossip. The fastest way gossip happens in this situation is the conversation starts about the people talking, then spins off to a side-story about another person involved. Then the conversation becomes about that person's affairs. If you're all friends, or if it's good things, it might be fine. Even still, this is a good place to watch for yellow flags.
3. Would the person it's about want you sharing that information?
If you're absolutely sure that person wouldn't mind you sharing, then it's probably okay. Like, when my best friend got an amazing job, I don't think it bothered him when I'd tell my other friends. I was excited for him, it was positive, and even though I wasn't involved, I think the subject matter was beneficial to the hearer. If you're not sure, you should either not say it, or at the very least, ask if that person would mind you sharing with others. If it's negative or embarrassing, let the person involved decide whether to share or not.
4. Would you say it to the person/people it's about?
If you have trouble bringing it up to the person, then it's likely gossip. If you can't say it to the person, or if you'd have to rephrase it in order to say it to the person, then you should check yourself. If you wouldn't want your words to get back to that person, then you shouldn't say them.
5. Is it true? Is it nice? Is it necessary?
I can't remember who laid this out for me, but I find it to be an easy, quick check on whether you should continue speaking about someone.
Is the thing you're saying verified as true? A lot of pain can be avoided by avoiding non-truths.
Is it nice? Is there any mean-spiritedness, spite, agenda, or anything negative behind it? Does it lift the person up, take a "neutral" stance, or make them look bad? If it makes them look good, it's probably okay. If not, think twice.
Is it necessary? If you're not sure whether to say it, consider the need for it to be said. If you're not sure, then you can probably keep it quiet.
6. Do you need an intervention?
Some situations require bringing in a third party. If you see someone in a bad situation, and you know you're not the person to help them, getting someone else involved can be okay. You should give just the necessary information to make the connection happen. Hopefully the person you're bringing in will help you know how much info they need.
Have any good/bad experiences in this area?
Any tips?
Share!
10 comments:
Ironically, the comments I made above re: TMZ are gossip according to my own standards. Gossip is a sneaky little imp!
I use #4 a lot as a self-check. And I have another question that I use to check myself: If the person were to hear what I was saying, would it hurt them to know that I was talking about them? It's a slightly different spin on #4.
Hmmm... I wonder if E!SPN would get good ratings - or if TMZ has already cornered that market. ;)
Lauren - I feel like that's a great question to ask! Would it hurt them? On the flip, since sometimes we speak positively of others, would they be glad to hear we are speaking of them?
I feel like E!SPN would be huge, lol.
At Lampo (the company Isaac's interviewing at), they have a "no gossip" policy. 1st time is a warning. 2nd time, a box to pack it up. They consider gossip to be talking to anyone about anything they can't do anything about. So, if your computer is slow and you complain to the guy next to you, gossip. They want people to take it up to their leaders to fix the problems.
To respond to the post directly...
#1) What if you're repeating information about yourself that has been gossiped through others? ha!
#5) Phil told me, "...whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." And if one's thinking about it, chances are it's coming out of the mouth at some level.
I think it's hard NOT to gossip, as you realized when you commented on TMZ. There are ways of making it more positive gossip (i.e. I don't like to say ill-spirited things about people, but I do occasionally talk about people), but, I suppose, it's still gossip. Especially in the after-college life. For instance, I sometimes update Samir about what our friends are up to. I'll tell him if ___ broke up with ___. That, i guess, would be considered gossip. Right?
Regardless, I really don't like TMZ.
Philippians 4:8,9 I use it as a check (when I'm trying to be active about my thoughts and conversations, which believe me is not always.) One of my roommates and I had a big discussion about this in May. We decided that unless we are discussing something to genuinely bring it before God in prayer as well as the other checks you mentioned then we probably shouldn't be talking about it.
Hope you've been well :-)
Vero - Wow! That's pretty strict. Probably keeps people on their best behavior. I like the article you posted.
(http://www.daveramsey.com/article/gossip-is-poison-to-your-team/lifeandmoney_business/)
Their definition of gossip is really helpful.
If you're repeating gossip about yourself, you're in trouble, lol.
And it sounds like Phil is pretty wise, heh. Well done.
Lauren - Agreed! It's hard not to gossip! Then there's the "significant other" connection. Is that gossip? They're your other half. But would the person it's about appreciate you sharing it? Hmmm... questions, questions.
I'm gonna go watch my DVRed TMZ episodes now.
Sam - Looks like you and Vero have been reading the same stuff. :) It's a good check, for sure. And way to go on being pro-active in cutting out gossip!
Yeah..Dan is right..Gossip is sneaky little imp!
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