Television

I blame my roommates.

I've never been much for TV. Maybe it's because it separates us from real people. I know I have trouble paying attention to anyone or anything when there's anything on it, probably because of the moving pictures SQUIRREL

However, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Not thinking about TV, just thinking. And when I need a break from thinking? I've found TV a helpful escape, and OnDemand is a gift-horse not to be looked in the mouth.

My shows lately are as follows:

Community

I think this was written specifically for me. Seriously. I love it. I can watch it over and over, which I haven't done with any show. So good.

Bored to Death

Intellectual, dry humor with a quirky plot and a likable hero. Bingo.

Outsourced

I'm not sure if this will stay, but it's got promise. I like developing people, and the show has some of that, even if it is ridiculous.

What are you watching?

To Victory

We could feel the burn.

Somewhere during the 10th mile, the hill gone unnoticed on the way out became a monster obstacle to our return. I never thought it possible, but the mountain climbed straight into the sun. The sun that stared me down.

Right into my will.

"Everything in the darkness will be made light." I've found its truth. Be it the light of God or the light of day illuminating, it holds true. Today, the latter exposed me.

In what must have been 112 degree heat according to my internal thermometer, which is never wrong, we ran straight up into the sun. The trees parted like I was a modern-day Moses, only my pursuer wasn't Pharoah; it was "I don't have to work hard for anything, and you can't make me" me. (I think he may have brought "I may collapse from heat exhaustion me" as well, but my water bottle kept him at bay.)

Knowing my pursuer wouldn't relent, I continued into the fire. I asked my running partner,

"Are you okay?"

"Yea, I'm good."

"Me too," I lied back.

Was it ambition, stupidity or pride that drove us into the sun? Our wings didn't melt, so it wasn't pride. And we carefully considered the cost of defeat, so it wasn't stupidity.

Like a mother eagle protecting her young, the canopy of trees enveloped our leveled path. The sun couldn't beat us. The mountain wouldn't slow us. My pursuer's friend caught up to him, and both withered on the path, there on the 10th mile.

While we raced on.

To victory.

That Extra Push

Few things are sad as a dying dream.

It's a fading star.

A slowly detuning violin.

A comedian who gets a soft smile, but never a laugh.

It's the reality that reality is reality.

I signed up for the Prairie State Half-Marathon 10 weeks ago. I was spitting into my own face. "Future disciplined" me was hocking a giant loogie at "I don't have to work hard for anything, and you can't make me" me. I trained pretty well for 8 weeks. I should have been active 6 days a week according to my schedule, but I'd usually get 3 or 4, just enough to keep me on track, and still more than I'd ever done.

10 days ago, as I was still making an effort to get off work for the day of the race, I found the task near impossible, and still have found it such. My manager's wedding is the same day, so many of the staff is already gone, and there isn't any love left to go around.

As you can imagine, this took the wind out of my sails rather quickly. I am a goal-oriented person, so not working toward this date ruined the experience for me. I dropped into physical exercise depression. I ran once last week, and not at all this past week. Someone wedged a proverbial block under the tires of my motivation, and I parked.

The thing is, I know who it was. It was "I don't have to work hard for anything, and you can't make me" me. It was the same me I spit at and left in my 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8-mile dust. When I slowed down, that me caught up and kicked my foot, sending me into a groundward spiral I am reluctant to rise from.

"Well, the point is to learn discipline, and I learned a lot."

"I've actually taken on a lot of responsibility since, so I think the purpose was achieved."

"I don't actually have to go the whole way, the point was the journey, and I've learned some good lessons, even if I don't run 13.1 miles."

Excuse.

Excuse.

Excuse.

It's amazing what I will tell myself so I don't feel like a loser. I'm still a winner; I just won in my own special creative way! I have instated my own No Child Left Behind Act. The problem is the child moves ahead, but the man never emerges. The act is rightly named.

But stars can shine brighter.

Violins can be retuned.

Comedians can be redeemed.

Last night I told my 2-weeks estranged running partner I couldn't run the race. I wasn't happy to say it, but I had resigned myself to the situation. She listened. Good friends always listen.

The other thing good friends do is remind you. They walk you back to the starting line, because they were there, too. They show you why you signed up for a thing in the first place, and they lovingly and firmly say, "You're not quitting." And when it's a good friend, you listen, because they tell you the things that "Future Disciplined" you said months ago. And those words still ring true, and that desire is still there. And sitting on the trail at the 8-mile marker thinking, "Boy, I sure have learned a great lesson!" isn't nearly good enough.

No, it's not good enough. And it's not who I am, nor is it who I want to be.

She told me even if I don't run 13.1 on October 9, I still have to do it. And she even said she'd run it with me. That's a good friend. The kind that are hard to find, for sure. Jesus said, "If someone asks you to go one mile with them, go with them 13.1," or something like that.

So, the wind is slowly billowing my sails. It's not like I'm super excited yet. Newton's first law of motion is as true in exercise and life as it is in physics. "An object at rest stays at rest until..."

But, just as true, once it gets going, it's hard to slow down.

Whose Behind?

Amazing what a missing apostrophe can do.

Half-marathon update: Oct 9 is the day.

I still haven't found anyone to cover my morning shift at work.

Also, I'm behind in my training. I've run as far as 8 miles, but I've been way too inconsistent.

Apparently I don't have this discipline thing down quite yet.

I am doing well at a lot of other things, but this one's buggering me down.

Anyone out there succeeding at something?

The Plate That Is Deliciously Full

I know how to go through a buffet.

When I was little, I thought I knew how to do the buffet. You see what you want, you take some, and then you move on to the next thing you want, right?

Sort of.

If you see some good salad or pasta or soup or processed over-salted meat product, and you get a good amount like a normal meal, you'll fail. You can't get just as much of everything as you always do; you'll never be able to eat it all. The trick, I've found, is to take just a taste of everything that looks good. That way if something's fantastic you can just go get more. And things that aren't that good? Well, you don't have to eat a lot because you only grabbed a little.

I made my friend a list of my current commitments. Doing so, I realized I had stacked up at the buffet. Here are the entrees I am enjoying:

- Leading worship

- Directing a college ministry

- Mentoring 4 students

- Developing a basic intro to the Bible curriculum

- Creating a small group experience on personal Bible devotion/prayer

- Attempting to co-create curriculum/assignments for my grad school class

- Preaching at church

- Training for a quickly approaching half-marathon

And aside from that I want to have a vibrant prayer life, blog meaningful material, play around with music and video software, and participate in life-giving social events.

It's possible I need more than one plate. It could be too much goodness for one trip through the buffet line. Either that, or I need to find the best way to make each of these small bites instead of giant portions.

At this point I've signed up for what I have, and I'm interested to see how it turns out. And honestly, I'm not too concerned.

I think next semester I need to employ the advanced buffet technique learned in the 301 course: Eating the Best Without Blowing Up. Instead of grabbing a plate and heaping up, you bypass the plates, survey all of the options, and pair them up. You don't want to end up with all meats, or all salads, or not have room for dessert. Similarly, I don't want to have a bad balance. I want my activities to complement one another for a healthy balance.

The good news is I am a different person than I was 6 months ago. I don't think I would have taken this much on back then, mostly because I would be afraid of how much effort it would take. I'm interested to see how much I can healthily take on. I'm sure it's more than I've done before, but not sure where the threshold is.

I'm thinking dropping something will be the equivalent of loosening my belt. I'm not anticipating that, but I'd be silly not to think it may be necessary. I hope my friends will keep me healthy and in check. But I'm going to have to make time to allow them to do so. Accountability always has to be allowed for it to work.

Tonight I'll simmer in the possibilities, consider goals, directions, etc. And, more importantly, I'll commit all these ways to the LORD. If I'm not being called to all of them, I can't expect them all to succeed. A man decides his way in his heart; but it is the LORD who directs his steps.

I'll let the LORD fill my plate.

Emerging Adulthood

It's my new favorite topic.

Maybe it's because I'm a poster child. I mean, who doesn't want to feel like they're on the crest of a trend? Unfortunately, by virtue of surfing this wave, it means I live in the trough of uncertainty that comes with life as an emerging adult. That, my friends, is irony.

If you're not caught up on the topic, here's a very helpful article from the New York Times. (It's 10 pages, but even the first few are helpful.)

From there, check out this recent post by ChicagoNow blogger Stephen Markley.

Pastor Mark Driscoll touches on the issue in this RELEVANT Magazine article, focusing on guys needing to grow up into men.

Or, are we all just lazy?

If you're still interested, do a search for emerging adulthood or adultescence and you'll find plenty of reading material. And those linked are just blogs.

What are your experiences, thoughts and opinions on this? My generation values community and shared conversation to arrive at truth, and who am I to disagree? ;)

You're the teacher?

Nothing so disappointing.

One of the only negative memories I have from my undergrad is a certain class I took. Surprisingly, it was a leadership class. I swear the entire course could have been taught in a weekend, and I'm sure I still wouldn't have remembered anything. In the professor's defense, it was his first time teaching it. I think it'd been thrown at him and I heard it got way better in the coming years.

During those four months the fact that a teacher was teaching something he didn't seem to grasp troubled me. Leadership for ministry majors is like learning the 5 basic sauces for culinary students. It's foundational.

Thinking about that experience earlier today set the context for these words tonight:

"You're Israel's teacher," said Jesus, "and you don't even understand these things?" (John 3:10)

Story #2

On a recent walk with a friend I somehow made a comment about the Holy Spirit being so much more active than we ever imagine. In that moment, I thought about disciples healing the sick, and how I'm afraid to even try to pray over someone at work who's barely standing, or I don't continue to evangelize for whatever reason. (Fear is often the best and most effective demotivator.) I had to ask myself, "You're a pastor, and you don't even understand these things?"

Thanks, Jesus.

There are plenty of things I can get away with knowing very little about. For instance, predestination or free will? Whatever you want is fine with me. Just know that it will directly impact how you interact with non-Christians.

But there are some things I just can't get away with, like the reality of the Holy Spirit and what its role in the world is. Beyond that, actually living in that truth instead of just intellectually assenting is the step that proves real knowledge, heart knowledge. It's what makes a person say, "You understand these things."

I'll never say that every Christian, not even a pastor, needs to know everything. But there are things that each Christian should understand: creation, fall and redemption are prime examples. And I don't expect each Christian to explain these the same way, but they are integral to the story.

What I've learned so far is as a follower of Jesus Christ I need to continue learning, seeking, asking, wrestling and growing so that when I'm in a tough spot, I'm not faced with, "and you don't even understand these things?" And when I am faced with that question, my hope is that it won't be because I was lazy.

What do you do to continue growing in faith and knowledge?

Living an Average Life

It certainly does take a lot of time.

In a recent conversation I was made aware of my desire to prioritize things I value. I'm generally not one to plan ahead. However, some things are worth it.

For instance: mentoring and pastoral meetings. Last week I spent about 6 hours in one-on-one situations with college students, many connected to my church, some not. It was all great. Beforehand I made sure to prepare questions, remember things they had talked with me about and prepare challenges for those who asked for them.

Example 2: As a worship leader, I find myself planning as far ahead as I can. If I know I'm leading in two weeks, I'll likely begin my mental planning immediately.

I think this says something about me. I prioritize and work hard at the things I value. There's a deep sense of responsibility that comes with pastoral ministry, and I'm all about that. It's a good thing. But then some days I'm getting to work at the last second because I forgot to finish the laundry, so I'm darting in a few seconds late with a half-buttoned shirt and a wet t-shirt. (Feel free to whistle.)

Are you prioritizing the important things in your life?

The most difficult part is prioritizing each important thing in life. There are so many important things: exercise, eating right, family, friends, ministry, time in scripture, school/educational opportunities, creative outlets and more, depending on who you are. How are we supposed to keep them all balanced?

I've found it overwhelming to try to prioritize everything day by day. It's generally how I burn out. A conversation about finances today may give insight. If you count money day by day, you have positive and negative days; sometimes expenses exceed income, and vice versa. But if you look at it monthly, considering paychecks, bills, etc., you're hopefully bringing in as much or more than you're spending. The daily give and take gives way to the monthly average, and things seem to work out.

If I try to do each item on my priority list each day, I'm destined to burn out. So, yesterday I spent time at church and doing ministry. Today I'll work, play some basketball and socialize. Tomorrow I'll order some books and take care of errands. And hopefully all of the days will involve time spent in scripture and listening to God, because that seems to order my priorities better than I can myself.

This month, if you're feeling bummed about not getting everything done, try to live in the law of averages. Maybe when you look over it all, you'll realize you're much more on track than you thought. Turns out that life is a great big picture anyway.

Take it all in.

PS - Happy 300th post, Betanarrative!

The Mobile Office

A euphemism for a porta-potty?

That, or Starbucks, where I am spending a few hours today with my new computer! I'm excited that I finally have something, and not just anything... it's a MacBook Pro! I got an amazing deal on Craig's List, although the disk drive is a little sketch. But for what I paid, something had to go wrong. The software is running beautifully.

Anyhow, I'm at the Sbux working on church stuff and enjoying life. It's nice to get out somewhere and do work. I find I concentrate better. Today I'm arranging my calendar for the week, tying up some loose ends, and trying to plan ahead a bit for school. I've got quite a few meetings this week, and since I haven't yet hired a personal assistant, I'm taking care of all this on my own.

I once considered hiring a personal assistant for two hours a week to help me keep my life straight. I really could use that; or I could learn to do it myself. Considering my income, I'll do it myself.

That's it for now. More substance to come soon.

Melting Ice Off the Ceiling

How would I describe it?

To one friend, I described the effect of Madi Diaz's voice thusly:

"When she hit those high notes, they're so warm and invasive they rose up to the frozen ceiling of my heart, a part I didn't even know was there, and warmed it; and now that part loves, too."

Hyperbole? Perhaps. Even still, after seeing this performer for the second time, the first being the Ten Out of Tenn tour, I am... mystified. How can one person's vocals, melodies and songs move me to a place of wonder? It was sacred space in there. I enjoyed the opener, Tim something. In my normal show style I did a mental critique throughout. The effect: I wasn't enchanted.

But Madi was enchanting. I hardly said or thought a thing through her whole set. And when I did, I felt like I was shattering a moment, so I stopped again. And the moment was back. (I have to add that Kyle Ryan, her accompanist, does an amazing job - killer voice, tasty guitar skills.)

Okay, so I've got a bit of a crush on her. It's alright, though - celebrity crushes don't amount to anything. Unless celebrities have a great desire to be with college pastors and worship leaders. But the chance of that is like the chance of me writing a top 40 song tonight before I fall asleep, and Michael Jackson returning from the grave to produce it.

Sunday afternoon I sat outside Panini Expresso, and on my table I found a small foam rubber pirate ship with the name "Maddie" on it. No one was around, so I picked it up, fixed the spelling to "Madi" as best I could, and I brought it to the show tonight. I told her it must be for her, since I found it just 2 days prior. She seemed to enjoy that. Then, I forgot to take a picture with her. Le sigh.

The Civil Wars closed out the show, and they were incredible. They are highly recommended, especially after their extraordinarily creative covers of Jackson 5's "I Want You Back" and MJ's "Billy Jean".

Also, the venue was outstanding - The Space in Evanston. I'll be back Oct 30 with a friend to see The Weepies, who just released their latest album, Be My Thrill today! I'm super excited for that, and for tons of other shows at The Space. You should definitely go. It's easy to get to, atmosphere and sound are great, and parking is free!

Recap: Love Madi Diaz, The Civil Wars, The Weepies and The Space.