How To Find a Last Minute Valentine

So, it's Valentine's Day (henceforth abbreciated DV, because VD is just awkward), and if you're reading this blog and you want a valentine, you're in luck! Today I am divulging privileged information on how to get a valentine, useful for guys and girls!

How To Find a Last Minute Valentine (For Guys)

1. Spot the Target

Sorry, "target" is a little demeaning. The "mark" is a lot better.

So, how does one spot the mark? As you'll read, most single girls aren't out on DV, but if they are, they're the ones who look (a) dejected, (b) pissed at the world, (c) pissed at you, or (d) really irritating. There are also smiley girls out there, but they're too easy to confuse with the already spoken-for girls. Stick with the pissy looking ones.

2. Location, location, location

Most girls won't be seen in public if they're not being taken out somewhere on DV. So, how do you find them? Knock on their doors! This works best if you know the young lady you're trying to swoon, live on a college campus, or work at a hospital or nursing home. Also, try a bookstore. Barnes & Noble typically has the younger, single crowd, as opposed to Borders. And never forget that the employees and cafe folk are often dateable as well.

3. Chocolate

Leave a trail of chocolate starting from anywhere to your front door. They'll show up. They always show up.

4. Ask a Friend

No, don't ask a friend to be your valentine, ask a friend for their friend to be your valentine. I mean, if a friend is really a good one they have to know someone who could be your date. And if your friend owes you a favor, make him give over his valentine to you. It's fair, and most guys would be okay with that.

5. Be Prepared to Pay

If you're going to take a girl out on the otherwise most depressing day of the year, don't make her pay. That's like making a guy clean his crotch after he's emasculated. It doesn't make anyone feel good.

6. Have a Smooth Line

"I'm lonely. Wanna go out?" is not a good line. Try something a little more flattering:
"You're hot. Can I show you off to my friends?"
"I can't believe you're single! I mean, I don't see anything massively wrong with you. I'll take you out, I guess."
"I'd love to have you join me for dinner. Just don't expect me to call you tomorrow."

7. Have Something to Offer

Most girls expect a guy that they would like to hang out with to be a great conversationalist. So, since most guys aren't, this is your chance to shine. Take some heavy medication before you go out, and while you're trying to not pass out, she'll think you're just staying quiet, listening and nodding attentively. If she asks any questions, turn it back into a question, and she'll keep talking, most likely. (If you're heavily medicated, you may want to have her pay for a cab.)

8. Flowers

They're the ultimate gateway drug into having a girl be your valentine.



How to Find a Last Minute Valentine (For Girls)

1. The Face

Look pissed off. That way the single guys can spot you.

2. Signals

Sit in a coffee shop or a bookstore. Send signals that say, "Come on over and chat." The best way to do that is to embroider it into a sweater. That way it's clear, and he'll know you're domestic (which is very important for any male.) Also, if you have the sweater, you can look pissed off and let the guys know you're interested.

3. Meat

If you're the proactive type, just say something about how you love meat to any single guy. He'll automatically say, "Do you want to go get some meat with me?"

Or, if you're really adventurous, put steaks on meat hooks and lure guys in. This works best if you're looking for an actual relationship, because most guys have to be suckered into that sort of thing.

4. Be Non-Commital

Mention to any guy you want to take you out that it'd be nice to have a date on DV, and you're really, really, really, really, really not looking for any sort of relationship. That way he knows that it's safe. The biggest obstacle to dating for guys: commitment. And lack of women.

5. Chocolate

If you see a random trail of chocolate, follow it. At least for a while. But don't eat the chocolate.

That's gross.

6. Dress Cute

The cutest outift ever is anything that has a guy's favorite band, bar or booze on it. Just go be a walking advertisement for everything.

Or wear meat.

7. Drop Subtle Hints

"Why didn't you ask me to be your valentine?" is not subtle. Subtle is something like:
"How would you like ..."
Actually, never mind. Guys don't understand subtlety. Use meat.

8. Perfume

Use meat.

9. Meat

Did I mention the importance of meat?