So continues the saga.
I was made aware that my last post regarding my voice sounded a little more dismal than I intended. So, let me explain.
A part of my identity has been lost, in a way. It's part of my occupational identity; who I am because of what I do. It's like how I'm not Catholic anymore. It was such a part of me that there's a gap now that I'm not it. Now, I hope to sing again, so it's not as drastic, but I'm trying to analogize.
Just because I feel like I'm missing part of my identity doesn't mean I'm lost, or I don't know who I am, contrary to what I flippantly posted. I am confident in who I am as a person, as a child of God, as a student, etc. I just miss that part of me, and I'm not sure what to do when I'm not doing it. This past Sunday I played bass like a madman at church because I couldn't sing. My instrument became my voice. And I may have danced a little bit.
So, now I'm trying to find a new way to be me. New ways to fill this gap where my voice used to be. This weekend I'm supposed to lead worship at church, so I'm trying to figure out a way to do that. It's a really fun exercise. Most people who know me know that I love a good creative project. They probably also know my tendency to get great ideas and not follow through. That's okay. I relish in the creative process, not necessarily the follow through. I really am okay with that.
Thanks for all the concern, thoughts and prayers. It's crazy to throw something out on the internet and know people are reading, and caring. I know who I am.
I am loved.
And in case the title left you wanting it, here it is.
5 comments:
Are you sure?
Yes.
You need to live in the desert for a while. It is not about you. fight with yourself and God until you can be you without having other people tell you who you are or pretending an action is who you are.
unless you are just not explaining things clearly.
Man, I can totally relate. I was in choir and state singing competitions through my school from 4th grade till freshman year of high school, until I had vocal surgery to remove some polyps from asthma meds I was on. I couldn't even talk for weeks, and I didn't get my full singing range back until my senior year of college (and I still wear out my voice really easily). I was never in choir again, and it really hurt to lose that part of my student identity, as well as other chances to sing in other capacities as I was growing up, but what hurt the most is that I couldn't just sing when I was happy or in the car or at church. I am so grateful now that I can even sing at all anymore, but I think it was a good lesson in patience and idenity too. I will definitely add this to my prayer list though, because I know how much it sucks. :)
I did learn how to whistle really well though...
Matt - Yep. Desert. There.
Kristen - Really? Man. I keep running into people in the past two days who have had a similar experience. Apparently it's very common. None of the stories are super encouraging, but reality is better than false expectations.
Thanks for sharing, and for the prayers. God is still in the business of answering them.
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